Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
