I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
