I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize