I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
