quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My vagina is very pro this idea
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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