Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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