Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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