This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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