I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Randomize
