if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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