Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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