I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
