i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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