i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
