Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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