Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
