Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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