I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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