im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I want a musical about memes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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