I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
