My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
