he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
