What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize