The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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