my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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