Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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