his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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