last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
