Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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