I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
