Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
