just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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