im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
