i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I think I am morally bankrupt
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
