Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
