R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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