I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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