North Korea, Best Korea!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
