That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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