watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hippo gnu deer
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
