Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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