I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
