Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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