Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
