They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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