In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
