he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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