i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
