You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
