Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
