Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
