somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize