I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
