I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
