and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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