well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
