tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
