I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
