He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
