You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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